School learning vs. Spiritual learning

I’ve been having some inner turmoil recently with regards to my education. It seems as though there are two voices inside of me, each fighting for my full attention. On one side is university. I’m doing my psychology undergrad and have quite a ways to go before I’ll be out of school. On the other side is my desire to learn and grow spiritually. It seems like the more I focus on one, the less motivation I have for the other.

During the Fall, when I started my degree, I seemed to have such a drive and enjoyed every second of the experience. But the problem is that my mind starts to think in the rational/logical way that they teach us at school. I begin to lose faith, and get more caught up with issues of the physical world. It’s difficult when every single thing you are reading, day after day, is all about the brain and all kinds of research that is going on. I really do find psychology fascinating but I don’t think learning about neurons and synapses will be useful for raising my own level of consciousness and helping those around me. My intention is to get my masters or PhD in counseling psychology so that I can help other people, but use a more spiritual/healing approach once I am able to start doing therapy. However, it’s necessary to get through all the basics before I can get to that point…

In the past few months I began to get back into my spiritual books and meditate more consistently. Now class seems to be more of a drag, and when I’m studying for exams I look for any reason to distract myself. Maybe it’s just because the school year is coming to an end, but sometimes I wish I had no responsibilities and could use all my time just to work on myself. Wishful thinking I guess?

I don’t know if I’m complaining or ranting or what. But I do know is that I find it hard to balance these two completely opposing perspectives that happen to be the two biggest parts of my life at the moment.

Still, I can’t deny that this whole experience called life feels like a great adventure into the unknown. Might as well have fun with it!

Trying to decide between WordPress and Blogger

This blog has been transfered from its original home on Blogger. I’m trying to choose which layout is preferable. If anybody is willing to check out the other page and provide feedback, it would be much appreciated.

http://consc.blogspot.com

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real

I’m currently reading the Conversations With God Trilogy, and came upon a definition of FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. I usually find acronyms pretty cheesy but I thought that this perfectly describes that unnecessary torment that we put ourselves through. If we can just remind ourselves of this everytime that fear rears its ugly head, in whatever form, we can return to a place of peace. Some people say that fear is a necessary emotion to tell us when something is wrong, but I don’t buy into that. If anything it can teach us that our THINKING is “wrong”, in that it doesn’t provide us with the complete joy and freedom that we are entitled to. We are all holy. We deserve nothing less than complete freedom from fear, anxiety, and all destructive emotions.

The trickiest part is catching ourselves when the mind starts spiraling into insanity and we feel our bodies begin to tense up. It doesn’t take much, maybe a memory or a comment from somebody else, and our mind is catapulted out of the peaceful state it once was in, racing further from the present moment as the thoughts feed and build on eachother. Somewhere in this process of madness we need to say to ourselves:

“Don’t believe this insanity. The ego thrives on fear, and wants to keep my perception distorted. I don’t have to solve the problems that are swimming around in my head, I only have to remind myself that they do not exist”

The worst thing that we can do is get caught up in it and believe that we have to “solve” all the issues that are coming up in our head. It would be nice if this is possible but there are ALWAYS issues that can come up and stress us out. Life is too full of different people and events for there not to be a single thought you can think of that will be unpleasant. I don’t care how important something is to you – the best solution can’t come from a place of fear. We are not seeing truth when we are in such a state.

Instead of believing the illusion, move beyond it. Laugh at it. See the absurdity. I think we need a sense of humor in order to laugh at the rubbish we fill our minds with. We are spirit, experiencing reality from a limited perspective. It’s all a big game, we can get caught up in its rules or see it for what it is and make it enjoyable. I choose to live in perfect peace and joy, nothing less. We are the makers of our reality, so lets start acting like it.

The Gifts of Addiction

I thought I would write about my own experiences with addiction after reading Mark’s posts (part 1, part 2, part 3) about overcoming habits at The Naked Soul . Overcoming my addictions has played a defining role in who I am today, and after working through it I can look back and see the gifts that it had to offer. Loss of control is a very difficult thing to experience, but it forces us to take a look at our lives and make the necessary changes.

Throughout my life there have been many things I have done compulsively for some period of time. I’ve used the internet to hide from people, binged on food to numb my emotions, and latched on to partners thinking they brought me happiness. What brought me to me knees was my drug use, which started off innocently enough but eventually became my single reason for existing. I was pretty much depressed all the time and lacked any sort of social skills, so drugs provided the solution to both these problems. I would be full of life and energy, and could be around people without self-consciousness completely crippling me. It was my solution, and it worked – at first. I think that us one of the sneakiest parts of addictions, they really do allow you to forget about your problems for a short while. But it’s like the credit card companies (which also happened to come after me thanks to my irresponsible behavior during that period), you have to pay back more than you took in the first place. And for me this involved my mind, my drive for life, my education, and my family. I put all these aside so that I could get escape.

My lifestyle didn’t last for long. I’m still quite young, but after a few years of this I caved and asked for help. My mother was volunteering at a rehab center and I asked her if she could get me in. Within a couple of days I was packed and ready to go for 4 months. Rehab was probably the hardest thing I had to do in my life, but it was the most rewarding as well. I was forced to open up about my emotions, and learn how to be around people. I would isolate with books while in there but people would point it out to me so I couldn’t always get away with it. I was also in a very unhealthy relationship at the time, and really most of my thoughts while staying there were about her, not the drugs. By being separated from her I was lucky that I was forced to deal with two major issues at once.

I left the rehab almost 3 years ago and have been doing wonderfully since then. We learned a lot of spiritual principles there and since then I have been trying to learn as much as I can. It really changed my entire perception of what life was all about – and now I am happier than I ever could have imagined. I’ve had to deal with a lot of anxiety since coming back out, but meditation, reading, and talking about what is bothering me have all helped me deal with this in a healthy way.

My point here is that the worst of times can bring about the best of times. During great struggles we can learn a lot about who we are. Addiction forces us to make changes if we want to overcome it. I’m extremely grateful because I was put in a position where I had to learn how to be happier or else I would not have made it through. So many people are able to coast through life at a very unsatisfying level but don’t have any extreme situation to force them to question themselves.

Here is a list of some simple things that my experience has taught me:

1. It’s okay to ask for help. In fact, this is a great thing to do. We need not be alone.

2. We can’t always control what is going on around us, we can control how we react to it.

3. We need not be ashamed of our past. There are no secrets we need to keep in forever.

4. Life can be so beautiful if we do not have a distorted perception of reality. Many people call addiction a “disease of perception”. I would say any thought that does not make us feel good comes from some kind of distorted perception.

5. We do not need anything outside of ourselves to be happy.

These are just a few of the main themes that come to mind. Really the whole thing has opened me up to a world of spiritual growth and seeking to learn, or remember, the Truth of who I am. I am glad to have here an avenue of expression. If anybody is experiencing similar loss of control – I know how hard it can be. Remember that it is never impossible to overcome, and there are many lessons waiting for you around the corner.

It would also be great to hear anybody else’s experiences or ideas, so please share.

Allowing our Truth to Shine Through

My whole life I felt that I had to hide who I really was so that I could be accepted. All my beliefs and ideas were shaped by others – as long as they thought I was okay then I was okay. I will still succumb to this now but I am more aware of it and no longer want to be another drone who mindlessly goes through life believing the lies that they are told. I don’t see comfort in blending in with the many, I see it now as self-betrayal. I no longer believe that letting others decide who I am will bring happiness. One of the most comforting things I have come to realize is:

Almost everybody is as scared as I am. Some people hide it better than others, but most people have an underlying feeling that “something is wrong” with the reality they experience

I want to grow, to evolve, to become more aware of all the beauty that surrounds me. I want to dive into the mystery that is life, and not tell myself that I have all the answers. I want to become aware of the truth beneath the illusion, and not be fooled by the the world as I see it now. I want to know God, not the man in the sky but the observer within.

Who is going to tell me how I should be? Who is in a position to do that? There are few people I would want to emulate, and the ones I admire have all created their own path. We have no guidebook for life. The rules that society wants us to follow will make us miserable.

We are the only ones who can decide for ourselves, and this is the intention that I set for myself today.

Don’t believe the Fear

We all experience fear. In a world where the future remains completely unknown, it can be difficult to avoid worrying about what is going to come next. No matter how well we prepare ourselves, there can always be surprises that overwhelm us. It’s becoming more clear to me that most of this time any fear or stress that I experience tends to be about something that either does not happen, or ends up being much less unpleasant than I had imagined it to be. If only we can remind ourselves this when we are in the middle of the worry, we could overcome it more quickly and prevent unnecessary suffering.

Today was a gathering at a family member’s place in memory of her father who had recently passed away. I was told about this yesterday and immediately felt the fear of having to be present and not knowing how to handle myself in this kind of situation. It wasn’t a horrible situation that I was expecting, but even small things like this can cause me worry. The first stress that I created was trying to decide whether or not to go. I tried looking for ways to justify staying home instead, to avoid having to face any awkwardness of having to be around my family under these circumstances. After making the decision there still remained the stress of the event itself. There were no monsters, murderers or horrible people waiting for me to arrive, only family members who I have seen many times throughout my life. I don’t think the situation itself matters, it’s our interpretation of it and the feelings this creates.

How did the experience turn out? It was very nice. I felt comfortable around people, and got to see people I haven’t spoken to in a long time. I was able to offer my condolences, knowing how good it felt at my grandfather’s funeral when other people came to pay their respects. The experience itself was much more enjoyable than I could have expected, and I was no in rush to leave.

Once again I was surprised that my predictions were wrong, although this happens so often that it should finally sink in to my stubborn mind. There are sometimes when I feel fearful that I am able to remind myself not to buy into it, but most of the time it is overwhelming and I get sucked in. Fear can’t live in the moment, it requires projection into the future in order to survive. If the moment is accepted and experienced as it is, what is there to fear? Whatever is happening is happening, there is no analysis or judgment or predictions. The future is unknown and letting our mind travel there is what fills us with fear.

The two things that help me deal with fear are:
1) Meditation
2) Reminding myself that it is an illusion

I prefer meditating daily to prevent extreme anxiety instead of using it only when I am really stressed, but I’m sure it can work either way. When I do feel stressed what really helps the most is if I can convince myself that the fear is not real. If I can remember all the other times that I felt the exact same way and things didn’t turn out bad, then I can be with the feeling without getting sucked into it and let it pass on its own.

We all experience so much unnecessary fear in our lives. Every time we work through it we are stronger and have more confidence to deal with it the next time it arises. Lets not let it control us.

What is love?

I’m pretty confused about what it means to love somebody. I’ve recently been having discussions with my girlfriend because of me being hesitant to use the word “love” to describe how I feel about her. I really do care about her and and am happy in my relationship, but I think I’m being cautious because of my past experiences and my previously distorted beliefs about what love is.

My past relationships were dependence and neediness. I was unhappy with my life and they filled the void that I couldn’t fill myself. Especially my last one was more of an addiction than a loving relationship, and getting out of it was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life. This is why I’m hesitant to describe anything as love, I don’t want to misuse the word like I used to.

A lot of what I have read described romantic love as a temporary “high” that wears off and later leaves room for the possibility of true love once reality sets in and you are grounded again. This is an idea that I lean toward now, but I’m not sure if this satisfies me. I like the spiritual teachings of there only being one real love that is unconditional and is not only for our intimate relationships. It is the love of God, or the universe, or whatever you want to call it, which we can access when overcoming all the fear that obscures it from our awareness. It is always there, only waiting to be uncovered. This takes away the idea of either being in or out of love with somebody, allowing us to sometimes be acting out of a place of love while other times it remains more covered up. This makes love a process of growth, where we can continue to become more loving beings without it having to be an all or nothing concept.

I just don’t want my past experiences to make me cynical about what love is. I’m trying to be true to myself without letting fear decide what I feel.

If anybody else has something to share on this it is more than welcome.